How to handle cultural differences in a cross-border marriage
When a couple do not share a childhood, they need to build a shared present. An old essay gives the idea; this page adds the method.
Last reviewed: 2026-11-06
This article comes from the earlier life of this site. The Internet Archive captured the page on 13 October 2011, and the text dates from around 2011. We removed the original byline, reader testimonials, promotional passages and sentences that the old capture had broken. The remaining wording is the original’s, lightly corrected for typography. Where a statement is outdated or wrong, the fact check below says so.
The archive text
When people plan to marry, they expect to find in their partner not only a lover but a friend also.
A person with whom they can share their opinions, their emotions, thoughts and fears.
In marriage we are looking for a partner who will be able to understand our values, our likes and dislikes.
If a man and a woman are born and raised in the, most likely they are familiar with the same songs, movies, jokes, books and life in general. They basically have the same roots.
In the case of a western man -foreign woman family everything is more complicated and requires much more patience and understanding from both spouses.
For example, say you are watching the television and suddenly you see a famous actor or singer, or other type of an artist whose name you have grown up with.
Maybe this artist was an idol for your parents and the music of this artist was often played in your house when you were a child.
Now seeing this singer on television reminded you about your parents and the house where you grew up in. You nostalgically remembered the tree that you saw from your window. You feel very light headed about this memory and want to share this feeling with your foreign wife.
Unfortunately you realize that she is unable to understand your feelings because she has no idea who this artist is!
Her eyes are absolutely empty, she has never even heard the song before.
You tell her that this artist is so famous! How it possible that she doesn’t know?
Your light feelings of nostalgic disappear and instead you feel within your soul at very large disappointment …
Don’t become upset so quickly.
Remember that your wife has the same situation with you.
She lives in completely strange surroundings, where she has nobody to share her feelings with, except you.
Do some research and learn about your wife’s country, culture and lifestyles. Talk with her, ask her questions, get to know what songs she likes, what movies and books are of interest to her.
The Internet will give you a great opportunity to find anything!
Tell her about your country’s culture, let her listen to the music that you like, rent a movie for her that left you with great impression. Let her understand you better through the things that you like.
Patience and time will help you to fight cultural differences.
Fact check and what has changed
“Patience and time will help you fight cultural differences.”
Patience helps, and it is the right first instinct. It is not a method on its own. Cultural differences are best handled by naming them, asking about them and making small shared decisions, not by waiting. Patience also has limits: it cannot repair a relationship in which one partner is controlling the other, isolating her or using her immigration status as leverage. Those are not cultural differences; they are abuse, and the legal rights described in our IMBRA guide exist for that case.
Six ways to build shared references
- Swap playlists. Each of you picks ten songs that mattered growing up and explains why. It takes an evening and is more revealing than a questionnaire.
- Watch each other’s childhood films with subtitles, and talk about what the other found funny or strange.
- Cook each other’s dishes, badly at first, and keep the ones that work.
- Learn the calendar. New Year is the largest family holiday in Russia, Orthodox Christmas falls on 7 January, and 8 March (Women’s Day) and 9 May (Victory Day) are public holidays. Knowing the dates tells her you are paying attention.
- Share the language effort. If she learns your language and you learn hers, neither of you is the guest.
- Agree on traditions for your own home. Choose which of hers and which of yours to keep, and which new ones to invent.
What to take from it today
The archive text makes its best point near the end: your partner is in the same position as you, with an extra burden. She is the one in unfamiliar surroundings, and you are the person she can share a feeling with. Treat that as a responsibility. Plan the first year together as an adjustment period, expect homesickness, and ask her what would help. Our guide on realistic expectations lists what to settle before you commit.